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Santa's perverted elf ruining (or making) your Internet Christmas

Christmas is a time for innocent festivity, christian love and the spirit of giving. Epitomised by the benevolent Santa Claus, aided by his loyal, cheery elves, Christmas is when family and friends can come together in peace and harmony. It is probably for these reasons that taking one of Santa's elves and engaging him in all sorts of morally questionable situations appeals so strongly to many of us. Take a look at what our Elf gets up to in an alternative vision of what marks the festive season, but please don't take offence at his depravity - Christmas comes but once a year after all!

Two become one

Mr Elf makes the beast with two backs with Barbie right under the gaze of three photographed children. The undersized bed has done nothing to dent his enthusiasm.

Christmas cheer

Our little friend has overdone it in true Christmas style - even managing to throw down three cans on the way to the toilet. Mind you, they're only Milwaukee Best Light.

Midnight cowboy

Our cheeky elf has taken up with another bed-fellow - this time camping (no pun intended) under the stars with a mustachioed man from the west.

Heads up

Still with his broad festive grin, Mr Elf may have overstepped the line this time with his decapitation of Barbie. His appetite for blood not yet sated, he considerately informs you who's next.

Heads down

Our elfin hell-raiser is back in the mood for love - again with a blonde bombshell. Unfazed by the lack of privacy in his pink convertible, he looks happy as Larry.

A very shiny nose

Having seemingly taken out Rudolph with a six-shooter, our elf sits back to admire his work.

Related: Deadly Christmas traditions that can actually kill

Christmas delivery

Our dexterous elf looks exceedingly pleased with himself with this Christmas delivery - bang on target.

Related: Britain's strangest Christmas customs

Lotion in the basket

Our elf revisits a scene from Silence of the Lambs by inviting his female captive to put the lotion in the basket after smearing her skin with it, ready for removal.

Related: Nightmare before Christmas: Xmas horror movies

No hands

Mr Elf and a designer-stubbled British pop star of Greek descent seem very happy with each other's presents this Christmas.

Related: The 10 worst Christmas songs ever penned

Charity begins at home

Helping himself to a child's piggy bank, Mr Elf proves that festive charity truly begins at home.

Related: 14 Frugal tips for a posh Christmas

Festive sexting

Always at the cutting edge of perverted technology, Mr Elf harangues "Clarice" to show him her jingle bells via text. Mr Elf gets what Mr Elf wants.

Related: Office Christmas party taboos (or classic mistakes to make a fool of yourself)

Christmas spirits

Again with the drinking, Mr Elf takes it to the next level with a beer bong, aided by his friend Woody.

Related: The best drinks for Christmas cheer

Festive enterprise

Kidnapping is a pursuit that can be carried out at any time of year, so Prince Charming is getting an unexpected call from Mr Elf.

Related: 10 Reasons why some kids are scared stiff of Santa

A bitter pill

An unwitting female acquaintance of our elfin friend will be surprised to learn of this festive jape - all her contraceptives down the toilet. Ho, ho, ho, Mr Elf.

Related: The most inappropriate Santas in the history of Christmas

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About the Author

Robert Macintosh is a full-time journalist based in Northern Ireland. He has accumulated eight years’ experience since 2005, writing for magazines, newspapers and websites in various countries. Macintosh has specialised in politics and entertainment. He has an honours degree in social anthropology, an NVQ level 4 in newspaper journalism and an AS Level in photography.