Pointless drunk pub talk we're all guilty of

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We've all been there, so there's no point denying it. It's Friday night, you're down the pub, the beer's flowing, and you get into a big row with your mates. At the time, the subject of the increasingly explosive argument seems to be completely rational and important.


But, the following morning, when reality and a hammering head hit home, you realise all that shouting and hand-waving meant nothing at all. As for the subject you were arguing about, well, what was the point? There was no point. And that is the point! And here's a few examples you might recognise.

\#13 Arguing about the infected

It sounds important after eight pints: what are you going to do when the zombie-apocalypse begins? You suggest raiding the Spar, stocking-up on a year's-worth of food, and barricading the windows at home. One of your mates thinks that's stupid and says hit the road and keep driving, staying ahead of the flesh-eaters at all times. Another friend says head for the boozer, Shaun of the Dead-style, and see it through on a diet of beer and crisps. Before you know it, you're raging at each other like the infected! A gallon of beer and zombies: not a good combination.

Related: How to survive a zombie outbreak

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\#12 Victims of fashion

What's the best fashion accessory when you leave the pub, with a belly filled of beer, late on a Saturday night? You think it's a shopping-trolley. After all, what's better than sailing down the High Street, with your mates pushing you, and Plod hot on your heels? Disagreement sets in, voices are raised, and blood-pressures soar, however, when a pal says that's too predictable and that you can't beat a good old traffic-cone on the head. Before you know it, there's a full-blown fight afoot over your very own beery equivalent of some super-model-style catwalk. Yep: pretty pointless, we say!

Related: What were we thinking... the worst fashion items of all time

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\#11 Cover-ups down the boozer

Last night you watched a program on the Kennedy assassination, and now, while your mates want to talk about the footy, you're on a full-blown conspiracy kick. Did aliens crash at Roswell, New Mexico? Were NASA's moon-landings faked? The beer flows, and the questions become more and more significant to you. But not to your friends, who have just about had enough of arguing with you about the sorts of things that kept Mulder and Scully busy for years. So, they tell you to shut up. Then you realise: they're part of the conspiracy! No, actually, they're not. You're drunk.

Related: Top 10 conspiracy theories

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\#10 Putting the country to rights

Politics and alcohol: never a good combination. And, yes, we do mean never. If you're going to have a night in the pub, then at least make it a fun one. No-one - least of all your mates - wants to hear you moaning about unemployment, inflation, and how much the government is taxing your beloved pint. But, you're on a roll, and an argument begins. Before you know it, you're having the equivalent of the Prime Minister's question-time. Except this question-time suddenly involves fists, shouting, and a quick intervention by the bouncers. Parliament and pints: it's not worth it!

Related: The most powerful people in UK politics

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\#9 Disaster on the pitch

Beckham getting sent off in the World Cup qualifier against Austria in 2005. Stuart Pearce messing up his penalty against the Germans in 1990. And Maradona's "Hand of God" in 1986. Yep, we're talking England's football disasters. And, when you have a head-full of beer, it's rarely a good thing to get on a rant about those less than classic football moments you'd sooner forget. Why? Because there's always someone who will not only disagree with you, but quite possibly turn a debate into something that results in a black-eye, that's why! Calm down and remember: we won in '66!

Related: The best and worst of the English football anthems

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\#8 Feeling the pain

You ran into an old ex earlier in the day. It was the one you never quite got over. There's only one way to deal with it: you tell your friends to meet you in the Dog & Duck in an hour, as you need to do some serious drinking to dull the pain. At first, all's good and your pals offer comforting words of advice. But, hours later, you're still ranting, and they're fast becoming short on patience and advice. Okay, everyone take a deep breath and heed our advice: don't discuss "The One" when you're surrounded by alcohol!

Related: Old "romantic" customs we're glad are gone

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\#7 A singing list to a swinging fist

Music and drinking: a great combination, right? Right! But, not all the time. You and the gang have been knocking it back all night and someone decides to start a debate on what's the best Karaoke song to sing along to. All harmless fun. For a while. What begins as a light-hearted debate over whether it should be Oasis' Don't Look Back In Anger, The Undertones' Teenage Kicks, or something awful like I Will Survive, suddenly changes. Someone knocks your favourite band. You knock back. And, before you can say "1,2,3,4!" you're going head-to-head with a mate over nothing.

Related: 20 Moments that changed modern music forever

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\#6 The time for drinking

You did something yesterday you wish you hadn't. If you could just turn back the clock. Unfortunately, you can't. Or can you? Only when you're drunk could you have a serious-but-pointless conversation about whether it's possible to change the past - Back to the Future-style - by travelling through time. As the pints are knocked back, ambitious plans are made to fix just about everything under the sun. That is, until you wake the next day, bleary-eyed, and realize that Michael J. Fox is just an actor, and the guy who plays Dr. Who is not really a Time-Lord. Bugger.

Related: 12 Movies only an 80s' kid could love

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\#5 Food for thought

It should be the perfect way to end what has been a perfect night at your local. We're talking about the best way to soak up all the beer that has been drunk for the last 6-hours. Food, in other words. Chinese? Indian? The chippy? The decision should be an easy and stress-free one. But, it isn't. For some reason (it's called alcohol!) it all seems suddenly very important to get into a big and stress-filled debate over a curry vs. chicken fried rice or fish and chips vs. a cheeseburger. And all you end up with is stomach-ache!

Related: Tastes from home: Do it yourself Nutella

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\#4 Winning a million

What would you do if you won the Lottery? Buy a Ferrari? Splash out on a big house in the country? Pack in your job and retire to Spain? Whatever the answer, it's a fact that the more you discuss it and the more you drink, the more likely it seems it's actually going to happen! Funny that, innit? You and your mates are all huddled around, excitedly planning your futures as multi-millionaires. That is, until you leave the pub, the cold air sobers you up, and you realise you don't even do the Lottery. Not a winner, after all.

Related: Pennies from heaven: Dead celebs who still earn millions

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\#3 Resolving to change

Without doubt, it's one of the most pointless conversations you could ever have while you're drunk. What might it be? Planning your New Year's Resolutions! Each and every one of you, in your befuddled states, enthusiastically offers a few ideas for the twelve months ahead: eating healthier, taking some exercise, and replacing the beer with carrot juice and mineral water. Hang on! What are you talking about? Substituting ale for vegetable juice and a steaming hot curry for a plate of lettuce? You all know that's not going to last. Hell, it's never going to get started. Scrap that conversation!

Related: The origins behind New Year's resolutions

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\#2 From the pub to world fame

You're in the pub and you've got a question for your friends: if you could sleep with someone famous, who would it be? An actor, perhaps? You'd get to hang out in Hollywood, meet the stars, and rub shoulders with a few Oscar-winners. Maybe you should hook up with a legendary singer. Gigs, wild back-stage parties, and first-class flights: what more could you ask for? Possibly someone off the telly would be more in line? You all think long and deeply. That is until something important hits home: none of you know anyone that's famous. Back to square-one and your pints.

Related: Most unexpected celebrity crushes

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\#1 A blast from the past

For some reason, you're in a nostalgic mood, and by the time that the sixth round of beer has been purchased, you and your friends are well away. And so, with your mind stuck in the past, you get a conversation going on the best TV shows when you were kids. Thunderbirds, Rainbow, Grange Hill, and Captain Scarlet: they all pop up. As do the raised voices, when disagreement sets in. All of a sudden, some program that was on the telly twenty years ago becomes a matter of life-or-death-scale importance. Until you wake up the next day, of course!

Related: Kids' classic TV shows you really miss

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