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The most depressing and outrageous Daily Mail headlines that ever happened

Updated January 24, 2019

The Daily Mail is a hate rag. Pure and simple. Facts are thrown out as if they were eastern European immigrants, homosexuality is terrifying and alien, climate change is a lie perpetrated by scientists with their fancy “thermometers,” the benefits system funds a slew of lazy foreigners, porn is going to undermine the fabric of society, and anybody brown is probably hiding a bomb. Picking out prime examples of racism and depressing levels of idiocy from the collection of Daily Mail headlines is like trying to find a strand of hay in a haystack, but these may be some of the most horrendous of the bunch...

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In Daily Mail-land, women should be pulled directly from the 1920s. God forbid you get a job if you’re a woman – how on Earth are you going to make time to have hundreds of good Christian babies if you’re busy working? This headline sums up their attitude on the topic – a horrendous excuse to effectively call all women who have a job inherently unappealing to the opposite sex. Did you hear that, half of the country, you only want a job because you’re ugly!

This story is so obviously coming from a place of complete idiocy from the very beginning. How can anybody possibly become pregnant in the mouth? Well, if you chew a sperm sac, you tend to get sperm in your mouth, which is what happened here. The headline then falls into place as the product of a gaggle of tittering morons who wanted to write the phrase “pregnant in the mouth” about a 63 year old woman, because yes, they think our collective sense of humour is that childish.

\#3 – This flood of porn should terrify us all

Porn is one of the biggest threats to our society, according to idiotic and famously gay-bashing Mail columnist Jan Moir. It’s a flood, and it’s erm... terrifying because erm... “90 percent of porn scenes contain physical or verbal abuse of women.” I don’t know what type of porn Jan Moir has been watching, and she probably doesn’t want anybody else to know either, because there is no reference for that frankly unfeasible statistic. She must assume Daily Mail readers will get tired after a sentence or two, so the headline is all that matters – who needs substance or logic anyway?

\#4 – Big headed babies more prone to getting cancer

The Daily Mail is so famous for claiming things give you cancer that “the Daily Mail Oncology Project” and other similar catalogues were created so we could all keep track of the various everyday objects that are giving everybody cancer, and the other foodstuffs and activities that magically cure our cancers. Why big-headed babies? Because they’re gradually working through every sub-group covered in cancer research and explaining their relative risks to squeeze every last drop out of the “story” that cancer exists.

Shocking news from the hot-bed of inherently racist and immigrant-phobic stories, in London, not everybody living there is British by birth. Apparently, people are allowed to remain in the country if they’re working here, married to a British person or any one of several criteria for this “immigration” thing. And when they’re naturalized, after several years of living here, they’re allowed to use our hospitals!

\#6 – One out of every five killers is an immigrant

Misrepresentations of the findings of research and statistical trickery make for one racist headline. According to a study of the optional “Nationality” boxes sometimes filled in by criminals, which grossly over-represented the Metropolitan Police’s London-based cases, one in five people who commit murder in Britain are immigrants. Since only 10 percent of the population are immigrants, the Mail claims this means immigrants are twice as likely to kill you as British people. Perhaps they’re worried that immigrants are stealing all of our good murderer jobs. Don’t worry, Daily Mail, the study was horrendously flawed anyway.

\#7 – Racism is hard-wired into the human brain

In a miserable attempt to justify their own racism, the Daily Mail yet again skews the findings of a piece of research. According to them, racism is hard-wired because of a review of neurological studies on the topic found evidence in support of “unconscious” racial bias. Neither the study nor the interview with the researchers claimed that racism was hard-wired, so I can only assume that you have to fail GCSE science to be allowed to write for the Daily Mail.

Adoption. Nazis. According to the Daily Mail, those who think that there is something inherently homophobic in baseless criticisms of same sex couples’ ability to raise a child are “adoption Nazis.” The comparison seems completely justified, because supporters of homosexual rights frequently attempt to slaughter the world’s Jewish population.

\#9 – Oral sex can cause throat cancer

Unless you’re living in a world with carcinogenic sperm, this headline is another one which immediately attracts suspicion. For the Mail, this was killing two birds with one stone: they got to criticise non-strictly-for-reproduction-missionary and say something causes cancer. Although, if you’re capable of reading an entire article, you learn that HPV can cause cancer, but the chances of getting cancer as a result of oral sex (even in the unlikely event that they actually have HPV) is minuscule.

\#10 – Britain is the country of choice for many ‘feckless’ Poles

If you’re Polish, I have some bad news for you. The Daily Mail hates you. In fact, it hates you so much it jumps on the first non-opportunity to insult you because of the flawed assumption that you’ve only emigrated because our benefits system is so appealing. Apparently – again, if you don’t get too far down the article – the Polish president called his own people “feckless.” If you do actually read it, you’ll find he made it clear that he wasn’t only talking about Polish people.

This cuts right to the heart of Mail-style paranoia. There are secret Labour plots, filthy immigrants, and (gasp!) multiculturalism in Britain. You’d be forgiven for being surprised that this was published in 2010, not 1910, but it’s clear that anachronism is a favourable trait in a budding Daily Mail writer. If you think the Earth is flat, you’re in! If you believe in global warming, get the hell out of there.

No, it really doesn’t depend on that, and the “scientist” you’re speaking to is actually a professor at a business school. It turns out; people all over the world have these things called thermometers. These magical devices tell you how hot it is, and if you get lots of people doing it all over the world for several years, as well as searching for evidence of past climates from the geological record and the variation in preserved pollen grains, you can actually tell if the planet is warming up. This offers more evidence that an entry requirement for the Daily Mail writing staff is being as scientifically literate as a cat. A dead cat.

\#13 – Muslim bus drivers refuse to let guide dogs on board

This headline is a case of the Daily Mail revealing their own racism through their inability to research anything they put out. The original (actual) story comes from a blind man who was asked to get off a bus because his guide dog made a woman and her children “hysterical.” He wasn’t sure why, but it had happened a few times before and he speculated that some of them may have been Asian, and perhaps a cultural difference was the reason. The Daily Mail reads “Asian” as “Muslim” and “hysterical woman and children” as “blind-people-hating bus driver.”

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And this is the most depressing thing of all. Thanks to idiotic hate-machines like the Daily Mail, a quarter of young people (probably the stupid ones) feel mistrustful of all Muslim people because of the actions of some marginalized extremists. The Mail breeds this mindless racism, and literally depends on the inability of its readership to differentiate between the actions of a few people (the small number of immigrants who come over to claim benefits, for example) and a larger group of people to which they also belong (all immigrants). You could refute most Daily Mail headlines with as little as a Venn diagram.

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About the Author

Lee Johnson has written for various publications and websites since 2005, covering science, music and a wide range of topics. He studies physics at the Open University, with a particular interest in quantum physics and cosmology. He's based in the UK and drinks too much tea.

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