Google has assumed the role of the portal to all human knowledge. Whereas we used to have to go the library to find something out, now we can just type whatever we want to know into our search engine of choice and be greeted with countless results containing the information we’re looking for. But as well as being a portal to the combined knowledge of humanity, the auto-complete function draws on the collective searches of humanity’s Internet users to predict what you’re looking for as you type, like a fun-house mirror into the darkest and weirdest recesses of all our minds. Here are some of the funniest (and most bizarre) things Google thinks you’re looking for.
1 – Monkeys are... Metallica Fans?
Alongside results suggesting that monkeys are good people and made out of chocolate, Google anticipates that the thing you’re really looking to find out about monkeys is whether they like the dulcet tones of James Hetfield and co. The strangest thing about this one is that monkeys actually do like Metallica, according to a study conducted on tamarins’ response to various pieces of human music. At least they don’t like Megadeth.
2 – I need a... poo
The best thing about this one is that it isn’t even a search for information, it’s more like politely informing Google that you’ve got to go. I hope there’s somebody, somewhere, keeping tabs on which people actually inform Google about their bodily functions, compiling a bizarre dossier full of the dangerous lunatics who share their impending bowel movements with a search engine.
3 – Most badass way... to erase a CD
These suggestions are all pretty hilarious: the most badass way to play Skyrim and the most badass way to light a cigarette are unfathomably bizarre (how can you really be “badass” while pretending to be dragonborn or burning the cured leaves of a plant?), but erasing a CD in a badass way clearly takes the cake. Maybe if you were playing Skyrim while lighting a cigarette from a burning CD you’d become the most badass person in history.
4 – Is a... banana a herb?
A Google search staring with “is a” could lead in a lot of directions, including “is Akon a muslim,” “is anybody there” and probably the weirdest of all: “is a banana a herb?” Again, though, the auto-complete wisdom reveals something that sound ridiculous but is actually true – a banana can be considered an herb as well as a fruit.
5 – Is it impossible to... drink a gallon of milk in an hour?
A Google-based remnant of the gallon of milk challenge, but looking at it in a list of suggested searches it really does stand out, largely because of the word “impossible.” Is it wise to drink a gallon of milk in an hour? No, but as long as you have an oesophagus and enough milk, it’s obviously possible. Somebody did it in 20 seconds.
6 – How not to... be boring
If you’ve reached the point in your life when you have to Google “how not to be boring,” you can rest assured you must be pretty boring. The funniest thing about this is the subtle suggestion from Google that if you’re looking for how not to do something, it’s probably going to be not being your usual, eye-wateringly boring self. Thanks, Google, just the self esteem boost I was looking for.
7 – Can a human... get an animal pregnant?
Err... There’s no easy way to say this, but no. Turn off the Internet and consider getting help.
8 – I pooped... myself, what do I do?
Well, the first thing is obviously to consult the Internet. That’s right, don’t clean yourself up and consider going to the toilet sooner in future, just Google it. That’ll solve the various problems you have.
9 – Do mice... have bones?
There are no words... Google should really stop suggesting these searches: if you really need confirmation that mice have bones, you can probably do with the mental exercise of typing out the whole question.
10 – Google is... God
Now I’m as impressed with the wonders of modern technology as the next ape, but saying Google is God is probably pushing it a little. Perhaps this is Google’s way of telling us that it really is God...
11 – How do I get rid of... Bing?
Proof that we hate Bing more than piles and spots –that’s a lot of hate for an alternative search engine. Bing can at least take some comfort in the fact that people are more interested in getting rid of colds than it. Not much, but it’s still something.
12 – How do you use... Google?
By jove, I think he’s got it! Yep, you pretty much just type what you want and press enter; a little like you just did!
13 – Amish... Online dating
I don’t think you’re doing this Amish thing right. Although some of the hits are obviously mocking the whole concept of using the Internet to find someone to shun modern technology with, there is at least one site that seems completely genuine. The mind boggles.
14 – Do midgets... have night vision?
The combination of the derogatory term and the shamelessly idiotic question puts this one firmly into ridiculous territory. The answer? If you have to ask, unfortunately I can’t tell you.
15 – What if there was... no Google?
After having peered into the minds of what I hope are the strangest people in the world thanks to auto-complete, I think the answer to this question is “we’d all have more hope for the future of the human race.”