Online reviews are where the Internet goes to rant and rave about things they love and hate, often in all-caps with a liberal sprinkling of spelling errors. We put up with the idiosyncrasies of the reviewers because, for all their flaws, reading amateur reviews does offer some genuine insight into whether or not it’s a good idea to buy something. But that isn’t always the case. Sometimes, the products are so ridiculous – or overly expensive – that the online community just can’t help but allow the review section to turn into a mess of light-hearted mockery. Here are 20 of the funniest moments from the history of online reviewing.
\#1 – The Three Wolf Moon Shirt
This horrendous item has spawned so many comical Amazon reviews it’s become an Internet meme in its own right, and if there are any genuine reviews, they’ve been long since lost in the mess of people singing the praises of the almighty shirt. This long review is probably the best, but for straight-to-the-point awesomeness it’s hard to beat “I had a two wolf shirt for a while and I didn’t think life could get any better. I was wrong. Life got 50 % better, no lie.” Although this is a close second for short reviews: “Unfortunately I already had this exact picture tattooed on my chest, but this shirt is very useful in colder weather.”
\#2 – Uranium ore
Don’t you just hate it when you buy uranium ore and half of it has decayed into thorium by the time you open the tin? This Amazon customer knows the pain. Bonus review: “It is not cat food…. The cat's huge and well, doesn't really look much like a cat anymore.”
\#3 – Oakland County Jail
Despite all the hype, Kaitlin Higgins found herself distinctively unimpressed with the service at Oakland County Jail. Although the review below is possibly even funnier – comfortable beds, nice staff and clean rooms: “it is worth going to jail.”
\#4 – Luke Skywalker Ceremonial Jacket with Medal of Yavin
The Amazon reviewer at the top clearly understands the plight of the Star Wars fanatic, offering helpful advice for anybody like him having to put up with constant harassment from over-eager members of the opposite sex.
\#5 – Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer
This is one of those products that’s too ridiculous for people to even review it seriously – it’s almost as if one of the most common kitchen utensils would do the job just as well, if not better... This one probably takes the cake: “What can I say about the 571B Banana Slicer that hasn't already been said about the wheel, penicillin, or the iPhone?”
\#6 – Tuscan Whole Milk
Have you ever thought how much fun it would be to write a review of some milk in the style of Edgar Allen Poe’s the Raven? If it wasn’t for “Edgar” from Baltimore’s review, nobody else would have either. There are eight stanzas to enjoy, and it’s worth it – if only for a dose of literature in one of the most bizarre contexts you can imagine.
\#7 – Giant Swiss Army knife
This product was basically asking for sarcastic reviews thanks to its completely self-defeating concept – a Swiss army knife that’s about as portable as a toolbox. While the reviews focusing on the lack of portability are funny, this one takes the cake: “Found this stuck into a stone while on vacation. I'm impressed with it, generally. Unfortunately, it turns out that removing it made me the new king of Switzerland, which is a lot of responsibility.”
\#8 – Horse head mask
Unless you want to recreate the famous scene from the Godfather – or are specifically on the lookout for the worst costume ever – it’s safe to say you don’t really want this horse head mask. The reviewer might not have been able to go through with his primary objective, but it’s nice to know he’s found a more interesting use for this baffling product.
\#9 – Lighter fluid
While the standard for online reviewing humour is to act like a mundane product is life-changing or otherwise bestows magical power, this reviewer gets right to the point in glorious style, effectively saying, “are you looking to buy lighter fluid – then buy this! It’s lighter fluid!”
\#10 – How to Avoid Huge Ships
How the writer managed to put these words into print without realising that the book was a complete and utter waste of time is unfathomable, before you even consider how it got to a second edition. The mocking reviews were inevitable.
\#11 – Ultra-Telephoto Zoom Lens for Canon DSLR Cameras
This is a masterclass in hilarious reviewing – especially helpfully pointing out that the $26,000 lens falls with the standard acceleration for an Earth-bound object.
\#12 – Team Fortress 2
One of the only genuine reviews on this list, but it manages to be both laugh-out-loud funny and get the point across that it’s an awesome game.
\#13 – BIC Crystal for Her pen
Because you can even be sexist when trying to sell pens. The whole collection of reviews is dripping with sarcasm, but the top one is probably the best – calling maths and voting “vulgar endeavours” and pointing out that your husband might give you some pocket money so you can buy some.
\#14 – A Million Random Digits with 100,000 Normal Deviates
A magnet for mock reviews if there ever was one, spawning a trio of particularly well-executed pieces of Amazon trolling... At least I hope they were trolling.
\#15 – The Sims 3
Another genuine review here, managing to capture the fun of playing the Sims and offer a hilarious review within a single sentence. If this reviewer is offering writing lessons, I’m signing up.
\#16 – Samsung Ultra HD UDHTV
This is a TV for the person who has tens of thousands of pounds burning a hole in his or her pocket, but as a reviewer realised, there are other ways you can get the money together. Just don’t expect your daughter to appreciate the picture quality.
\#17 – Wolf Urine Lure-32 oz
This product – which is probably useful if you really hate deer and have a love of rustic, natural solutions – led to an amazing review that manages to poke fun at the product and wine connoisseurs in one elegant swoop.
\#18 – Where is Baby’s Belly Button?
This reviewer was looking for some hard-hitting literature, but ended up with a piece of ill-thought out tripe – a disgrace to the art form. Don’t judge, you’d offer a harsh review too.
\#19 – The King James Bible
More literature-lovers being disappointed, but this one is an inexplicable best-seller. There are some great moments throughout, but this line gives you a feel for the type of thing that really disappointed the reviewer: “In like four chapters, he just rewords the same basic story over and over again. To top that off, he puts those chapters one right after the other. Like we wouldn't notice!”
\#20 – Inflatable Unicorn Horn for Cats
This reviewer was understandably annoyed that his cat became a bigger jerk than usual after letting the whole unicorn thing go to its head.