They say that one man’s trash is another man’s treasure. If this is the case then the internet must be an absolute goldmine for a few rare souls out there. The number of strange, useless but occasionally entertaining sites in cyber space must now be of a figure only comprehendable by a few of mankind’s elite minds. They come in every format and from every angle imaginable. The ones we’ve sourced are just a few grains of sand in the desert of internet crap, but delve in yourself and you can find your own uniquely weird sites.
\#1 OMFG dogs
Love dogs? Love head-spinning early Nintendo graphics and prototype Casio keyboard music? Get on to omfgdogs.com. It’s attracted more than 450,000 likes on Facebook so it must be doing something right, but to it’s detractors it must be the embodiment of all that’s wrong with the internet. Check it out and be perplexed. Possibly in a good way.
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\#2 Ducks are the best
A cross between an etch-a-sketch and a 60s psychometric experiment, darksarethebest.com allows you to paint a picture with lots of small ducks, the background of which flashes different colours every split second. You can’t erase and you can’t really draw anything that looks like anything other than a psychedelic rawshack test, so you just end up with a mess. And a few less seconds with which to spend your life meanfully.
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\#3 Republique des mangues
It’s reassuring to know that ludicrousness extends beyond the English-speaking internet world with this offering from France. The Mango Republic is simply a site featuring a rather splendid mango with a back-lit halo of spinning light behind it. You would have to really, really like mangos to get anything from this, but you’ll never know unless you try. Vive la republic!
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\#4 Staggering beauty
This site is a digital version of one of those inflatable tubes that sort of look like people that bend and crumple or rise to erectness depending on the air being pumped into them from beneath. You see them in second hand car salesroom forecourts. You use your mouse button to change the direction of the air being blown at them. You are invited to “shake vigorously.” Shake your mouse vigorously enough and excitable electronic music starts to play and the screen lights up with colours and flashing lights. It’s your reward for sticking with the website for longer than three seconds. Which really isn’t anything to be proud about.
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Need a friendly, reassuring gesture from someone, but there isn’t anyone around? Log on to heeeeeeeey.com and you will be met with this very word on the screen. That’s it. There is room for interpretation here, however. To some it may read like a friendly “heeeeeey” from the Fonz from Happy Days – to others it could be a blood-curdling scream from a victim of a knife attack. See what you think – maybe it will say something about your state of mind.
A four-second music clip from a Capone-N-Noreaca song plays on a loop, while a strange, pixellated dinosaur creature skips about on the screen. It looks like a cross between a maggot and a donkey and seems very pleased with itself. If it manages to shift any copies of Capone-N-Noreaca’s album “The Reunion” it has every reason to be. A link at the bottom takes you to the Amazon site where you can buy it.
\#7 Bury me with my money
A rather macabre offering here sees men in red suits and wide-brimmed hats fall from the top of the screen with a bag of gold coins. They fall one after the other and when they reach the bottom of the screen they land on their backs and the money spills out. Their parting words are “bury me with my money,” which you hear in a deep, scary, robotic voice. Perhaps an anti-capitalist message is at the heart of this site. Perhaps not. The dead corpses of all the deep-voiced robot men could spell something out at some point. You won’t, however, hang around long enough to find out.
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\#8 Partridge gets lucky
If you like Alan Partridge and the Daft Punk song “Get Lucky” you might find this interesting for a few moments. A loop of the instrumental part of the song plays while still frames of Partridge playing air-bass roll on the screen. There are links to buy both the song and Alan Partridge stuff, so it may not be useless for these guys trying to make a quick buck. However, if you get busted looking at it at work you might struggle to find any relevance to anything.
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Useless, but when the small dog with a scrunched up face and bulging eyes starts frantically licking your screen you will probably crack a smile. It’s grade-A internet trash but it does its job. At one point the dog looks over its shoulder, but it doesn’t get much more exciting than that. There are no links, no option to like it on Facebook and nothing Tweetable. It’s just good old-fashioned internet drivel.
\#10 Falling falling
Aesthetically, it’s like a crude version of the White Stripes’ video “Seven Nation Army,” but in reverse. Sadly, the similarity ends there. Different coloured screens just fall away from you while a sound like a dying air-raid siren plays continuously. It’s strangely hypnotic, but of course utterly pointless. I hope whoever made it got a good mark in their GCSE computer programming course.
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\#11 Koalas to the max
This one is actually quite cool (or "koal"). The screen starts off with four circles in a two by two formation. When you pass your cursor over one of the circles it instantly divides up into four smaller circles and so on until you can’t really see if it’s dividing up any more. You can make some cool patterns, but keeping going and you'll get a little surprise. Cute but useless.
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\#12 Grandpa no-clothes
Maybe a psychologist invented this one, which features an abstract cartoon of a naked old man with a walking stick. Covering his modesty is a black rectangular box. Click on it and it fades away, leaving you looking at a cartoon of a completely naked old man and the knowledge that you didn’t really have to click on that box if you didn’t want to. Take a look and see if you can resist the urge to click. This writer couldn’t.
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\#13 Break glass to sound alarm
Always wanted to push a fire alarm but were too scared? This site could be for you. It features a huge, intact fire alarm – the kind that teasingly invites you to “break glass to sound alarm.” Click on it and it shatters, but there’s no siren, no disgruntled firemen and no court appearances. Use it as a stress-reliever if you’re feeling tense.
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\#14 Eel slap
If you want to know what it feels like to slap a man in the face with an eel you can satisfy your curiosity here. A man faces you on the screen and simply by moving your cursor from side to side an ominously gloved hand holding an eel appears and slaps the man round the face. You can speed it up by flicking your cursor across swiftly or do it slowly to watch more closely the moment of impact and chart the course of the string of slime that ends up connecting the man’s face to said eel. Strangely compelling stuff.
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This is sort of like the board game Mousetrap when the ball has to make its way all the way through the different obstacles to bring down the trap on the mouse. Except this isn't a game. The screen of this site is full of a system of conveyer belts, ramps and tubes that carry hundreds of little blue balls around. You can see if you can follow one ball all the way round the screen, but it’s harder than you think. Another great way to waste time looking at your computer.
\#16 Bees bees bees
Someone with too much time on their hands has taken a clip from an Oprah Winfrey show and digitally added in a swarm of bees and a flashing “BEES!” caption. The deranged excitement of the crowd seems like panic from the bee attack, and a beaming Oprah looks maniacal in her glee at unleashing the bees herself. There’s no sound, but we won’t split hairs. Another sterling example of the ridiculous haul of useless internet sites out there.
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