The British perception of Glaswegians and the Scots in general as drunken, unhealthy and violent is of course offensive. Unless you're Glaswegian, then you can say what you like about the place. From the magnificent scenery to the vibrant culture, your Glasgow identity should be a source of pride. If it isn't, just be glad you're not from Edinburgh.
You consider Edinburgh part of England
It doesn't matter what the maps and atlases say, or what the people of Edinburgh themselves think, if you're Glaswegian, Edinburgh is essentially part of England as far you're concerned. If that isn't bad enough, there are no decent pubs there and they put a horrifying mix of brown sauce and vinegar on their chips. Really, the only time anything worthwhile happens in Edinburgh is during the Festival, and then it's full of Americans.
You judge people by the quality of their "patter"
Glaswegians value conversation pretty highly. Someone with good quality patter is a pleasant conversationalist and if they're funny their patter is even more highly regarded. In fact, patter is so important in Glasgow that you don't even have to know someone to engage in conversation with them, you just have to be located at roughly the same longitude and latitude.
When you look in the mirror you see your "coupon"
If you're not playing the pools, your "coupon" is your face. This use of the word is most commonly heard as part of such phrases as "what a coupon," on seeing someone with a noteworthy or remarkable face, or "what's his/her coupon," if you happen to forget the person's name. If someone offers you a "sore face," you understand that your coupon may be under threat.
If it isn't a square sausage it's a square go
If someone asks you to think of a Glasgow square you might suggest George Square, one of the city's central meeting points. However, two other squares you might be even more familiar with are the square sausage and the square go. These staple elements of Glasgow life refer to two of the best loved hobbies in the city, eating poor quality meat products and having a fight.
Related: How to sound like a trustworthy Scot
It isn't a fry-up if there's no tattie scone
No-one loves fried food more than a Glaswegian. If it's so heavily processed it has lost any trace it once had of a plant or animal, you will have a go at deep-frying it. However, when it comes to breakfast, a missing "tattie scone" (potato scone) is unforgivable.
Related: How to make the perfect fry-up
Sunshine means men should immediately strip to the waist
If you're a Glaswegian man and the sun is out, you will feel an irrepressible urge to remove the clothing from the upper part of your body. Men like to respond to these rare weather events by taking their "taps aff" even if the temperature is so low it's a severe health risk. In hot weather, your pasty Glaswegian skin will unfortunately bear the brunt of this compulsion, giving your complexion the appearance of an uncooked square sausage.
Related: Top 10 summer drinks
You don't expect the weather to stay the same for long
In Glasgow the weather is rarely warm, even in Summer. However, if you find yourself experiencing less than favourable weather, you don't worry too much as it'll probably change within the next hour. The four seasons are a daily, rather than yearly, event in the Glasgow area, so there's something for everyone, it's just a bit tricky deciding what to wear.
Related: Where to go in Scotland
Scottish people from anywhere other than Glasgow are "teuchters"
Glaswegians feel a strong sense of cultural identity, but are sometimes a little alienated from other Scottish people. This manifests itself in derision for people from the more rural parts of the country, who you invariably refer to as "teuchters." These "teuchters" often speak Gaelic and "cut aboot" wearing tartan, which Glaswegians reserve for occasional weddings and overseas football matches.
When it comes to "ginger" it has to be Irn Bru
Glaswegians refer to all sugary, fizzy juice drinks as "ginger." Scotland's own Barr's Irn Bru is always the "ginger" of choice for a Glaswegian, particularly when you're dealing with a hangover. Famously, Scotland was the only country on earth where a Coca Cola product was not the top selling soft drink, although the contest has become a little closer in recent years.
Related: How to choose a good scotch
Buckfast tonic wine is one of a range of products made by Benedictine monks at Buckfast Abbey in Devon. Much to the monks' surprise, Buckfast quickly became one of the most popular drinks in Glasgow number of years ago, with a bottle of Bucky frequently enjoyed al-fresco by your typical "jakey." Some Glasgow pubs even serve this notorious refreshment by the glass.
Football is your main anger outlet
If you're Glaswegian, attending a football game is primarily an opportunity to furiously salivate on the back of the head of the person sitting in front of you. This form of extreme supporting is seen frequently at "Old Firm" matches between Celtic and Rangers. However, rather than screaming at the opposition, you spend most of the match hurling abuse at your own team's players, "giving them pelters."
In Glasgow, the binary view of the world as divided into two types of Christianity, Catholicism and Protestantism, is taking a long time to die out, in spite of how diverse the city has become over the past few decades. If you're Glaswegian, you'll know that anyone asking what school you went to is basically trying to find out which category you fall into.
You can swear and be polite at the same time
In Glasgow, swearing is so commonplace you will rarely hear a sentence without it. Far from implying that Glaswegians are rude, this often actually demonstrates how it is possible to swear in a complimentary, or even polite way. The downside to this overuse of swearing is that when something shocking happens, Glaswegians struggle to find an appropriate word, so must resort to incomprehensible sounds and facial expressions.
Related: The most unfortunate surnames
"Hen" is any woman or girl, not one of the Broons
Hen Broon may be the most well-known "hen" from Scotland, but he's a teuchter and therefore not worth wasting your time with. If you're from Glasgow, you will refer to all women and girls as "hen" regardless of whether you've met them before. Your use of the word "hen" can potentially convey both affection and contempt, depending on the accompanying tone and context.
Related: Traditional Scottish expressions
You know that curry, not haggis, is the national dish
In Glasgow, people have little time for the types of Scottish stereotype reserved for tourists. You won't see much tartan in the city, unless some English relatives are attending a wedding, and the locals scoff at the piper on Buchanan Street. However, if you're from Glasgow, you know that Glasgow culture is Scottish culture, so a curry beats haggis, "neeps" and "tatties" any day. Except maybe on Burns' night.
- Herald Scotland: Did Glasgow v Edinburgh rivalry begin over a loaf of bread?
- Scots Language Centre: The invisible language
- Lexicon Planet: Glasgow patter
- STV: Glasgow smells of 'square sausage and the subway' according to map project
- Forres Gazette: Tattie scones heating up for pipe band championships
- STV: 'Taps aff' Pint glass marks nation's favourite wit and wisdom
- Dictionary of the Scots Language: Teuchter
- The Independent: Irn Bru girds its loins for Coca-Culloden
- BBC News: Police face legal challenge over Buckfast anti-crime labels
- Glasgow City Council: Sense over sectarianism