The most unfortunate surnames

They cause nothing but uncontrollable hysterics, sly smirks and rolling fits of laughter on the living-room carpet. They are the names that no-one wants to be saddled with, but, unfortunately, many are. Invariably linked with certain parts of the human body (you know the ones), they can never be uttered without graphic, comic imagery of a type usually seen on one of those old "Carry On!" films coming to mind. Welcome to the mirth-filled monikers we can all do without. Unless, of course, someone else has them, in which case it's all great fun!

The bottom of the barrel

The first one on our list probably should have been coming in at the rear, but since it's the least unfortunate surname we intend poking fun at, let's start with it. What is it? Bottom! Yeah, we know, it's hardly going to make people fall around in hysterics. That is, unless the person had cruel parents who decided to christen them Ivor. And what are we to think about the slightly related Shufflebottom? Take our advice: if your name is even remotely connected to your arse, change it. Someone, somewhere, somehow, will always have a laugh at your expense. Cheek!

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Cocked and loaded

No-one, at all, wants to get a reputation for having somewhat delicate private parts. But, when your last name is Glasscock, what can you do? Well, for a start, it would probably be a very good idea to keep that information bottled up, zipped away and...oh well, you get it! And also on the subject of very unfortunate loins-linked monikers, pity the poor Handcocks and Cockshotts of this land. With names like that, you just know that non-stop mickey-taking is soon going to, er, take hold. Ignore them.

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A name to drive you nuts

Being named Balls might be considered a hindrance or (what else?) a right old balls-up. It didn't, however, prevent Ed Balls, Shadow Chancellor of the Exchequer, from getting on in life. But not everyone, surely, has been quite so lucky as Ed when it comes to climbing the ladder of success on a name that is as daft as it is ripe for ripping into. The fun-poking must drive some people, ahem, nuts and plum-crazy. And, no doubt, once the jokes begin they roll in by the sack-full. But don't take it to heart. Just further down.

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Turning your nose up

Why on earth would someone just not be done with it and change their name at the earliest opportunity, instead of letting it run and run for generations? After all, wouldn't you if you were a Smellie? There might not be many of them, but you know it's just got to get up their noses, right? And what if you're a female Smellie, you marry someone of the name that made the number 3 slot on this list, and you want to keep your maiden name and combine the two? Either way, it's a lose-lose situation. Really.

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A right old gob-full

What can we say about a last name like Cockermouth? Actually, we could say quite a lot, all of it very funny, but absolutely none of it even remotely publishable in the slightest! Instead, we will make a toast to a name that - even if your wife has just left you, your dog popped its clogs yesterday and your house is about to be hit by an incoming meteorite -- you won't be able to say without smiling just a little bit. Go on, give it a go! Cockermouth! See? We were right!

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Bogged down

Last name Bogg? No, it's not a pile of crap. And, yes, we s**t you not: there really are whole families of Boggs in the UK. With toilet-based humour being our forte, we could reel off as many jokes as we could sheets of loo-roll. But the Boggs don't want that. All they want is a bit of privacy, and to be left alone while they do their own thing without any sudden interruptions. You know: just like when you're sitting on the bog! Oh. Our apologies to Boggs everywhere. That one popped out by to speak.

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Where there's a will(y)

Willy. Are we serious? We certainly are. Having a last name like that must stand out a mile. Well, maybe six inches. Fnarr, fnarr. Yes, we're sure that the Willys of this green and pleasant land have heard them all before, and time and again. But, if they're stubbornly and firmly going to hang on to it - the name, that is - then can we be blamed for taking matters in hand and having a few jokes at their expense? No, we can't. And that was just one of them!

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It's enough to make you bow down at the altar of the porcelain god and puke your guts up. How can anyone go through life with the name of Sick? Well, amazingly, plenty actually do. And quite a few of them can call the UK their home! They don't, however, get by without pretty much everyone who hears it for the first time having a visual of a tidy supply of diced carrots floating around in the lavvy. But, that's what happens when you're named after a bodily function that usually manifests on a Friday night after closing time.

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A real boob

As part of our dedicated effort to keep you abreast of some of the more embarrassing last names in the UK, we felt it only right to inform you of the Nipples. No, you didn't read that wrong and it wasn't a boob. Well, in a way it was, if you see what we mean. Yep: the Nipples. They're not large, in terms of numbers. But, with respect to matters of a schoolboy-humour nature, we could probably milk them for all they are worth. In fact, it looks like we just did!

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The handiest name of all

If someone were to tell you that their last name was Wanklyn, you would surely think they were pulling your leg. Or pulling something. But, no, we truly are not jerking you around. Nor are we yanking on your chain. Our fun-packed list of innuendos is endless. But enough. The Wanklyns are a bunch of...fine, upstanding people. And the fact that barely a single person in the UK could be introduced to one of them without breaking out in fits of laughter is neither here nor there. The Wanklyns should stand tall and hold their heads high.

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About the Author

Nick Redfern is the author of many books on UFOs, Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, Hollywood scandal and much more. He has worked as a writer for more than two decades and has written for the Daily Express, Military Illustrated and Penthouse.