Whether you're at the beach, in a swimming pool or on a yacht, it's nice to look good and feel confident in a Speedo. However, the George Costanza of "Seinfeld" theory of "shrinkage" is no lie and is something many men think about when water is involved. Forget about shrinkage with a few tips on how to make your package bulge with the best of them (or at least appear to), even in a Speedo.
- Skill level:
Things you need
- White Speedo
- Socks/Bikini Bra Pads/Men's Cup
Make sure your Speedo is working to your advantage. For maximum bulge, choose white. Another light colour, such as a pale blue, would work also. You've heard that wearing black makes you appear thinner. Well, that rule applies with any article of clothing. For a Speedo, black is the wrong choice. White, on the other hand, makes things appear expanded. Therefore, white is your little friend's new favourite colour.
Make the right place (your package) stand out. A white Speedo works to enhance your junk, but enhancing the white Speedo itself is the final touch. To do this, you'll need to create contrast. If you're already dark-skinned, you're good to go. However, if you're pasty white male, get to a tanning salon for a quick spray tan. With the white Speedo contrasting with your bronzed skin, the Speedo will stand out, as will your bulge.
If you're uncomfortable at a tanning salon, use a tanning lotion or spray at home. Practice makes perfect with at-home tanners, so don't try for the first time the day before your big beach bonanza.
Work out. A nice tan and a white Speedo are a nice start, but a good body will push it over the edge. Six-pack abs are not necessary; however, a big belly will hurt your big-bulge potential. The belly will overpower the bulge and make your package look tiny by comparison. So get a gym membership or do push-ups at home to try to slim down and make sure your bulge is not surpassed by belly.
Stuff with a sock. Because you're wearing a white Speedo, you'll want to stuff with white socks. Make sure the socks are smooth and not ribbed, as that will make them less likely to show through the fabric in an obvious way. Instead of balling the socks to stuff, use small ankle socks and lay them vertically inside the Speedo's crotch area. This will make it less obvious to the ladies that the bulge is a fake.
Use bikini bra pads. Some men may feel more embarrassed or self-conscious using pieces from a woman's swimming costume to increase their own bulge. However, this technique will allow stuffed Speedos into the water. A women's bikini top padding is made for the water, while socks are not. Simply cut the padding out of the bikini top (or pull them out if they are removable). They should be rounded triangles. The shape is perfect to place in the Speedo crotch area, cupping the testicles. You may need more than one bikini top to get the amount of padding necessary, depending on your desired bulge size.
Use a protection piece (a cup). Using a cup allows for the "I have to protect my junk" excuse if a woman (or man) suggests that the fantastic bulge you're toting is a phoney. Try to get a flexible cup that, again, is white. The more flexible the cup, the more realistic your bulge will appear.
Tips and warnings
- Try a gradual tanner at first and use for five days to see results
- Do not use at-home tanners on your face. Instead, try a separate face-bronzing lotion.
- Do not go into the water with a Speedo stuffed with socks. Use socks for days on the yacht or lounging by a hotel pool.
- 20 of the funniest online reviews ever
- 14 Biggest lies people tell in online dating sites
- Hilarious things Google thinks you're trying to search for